Thursday, November 3, 2011

Broken Heart

Haiku My Heart
November 4, 2011

Haiku My Heart is the creation of Rebecca who pens the recuerda mi corazon blog. To see more haiku and to find out how to participate, go to recuerda mi corazon.

Heart beat is broken
Relaxing comfortably
Loving being loved
An update is in order. You, my friends, deserve it. I don’t know if you realize how much your words, thoughts and prayers mean to me and my family. Each and every one of you is so greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much.
I experienced something called Atrial Fibrillation. My heart rate went way up and now beats out of sync. Along with this diagnosis came the evidence of Congestive Heart Failure. A friend of mine thought they should call it something a little less dramatic, like it’s a heart pump issue. Like she says, “Who wants to hear the words ‘heart’ and ‘failure’ in the same sentence?”
The heart failure has my heart pumping at 30 percent. The fibrillation has my heart racing and beating irregularly, skipping some beats. All of these issues on the back of pneumonia and this lingering bronchitis and its ugly raspy dry annoying cough.
Aside from the fear I had when I felt the sensations in my chest, the drugs leave me dizzy, disorientated, weak and tired. Yet I can’t sleep from the shortness of breath that wakes me if I doze off while watching TV or manifests itself if I lay down.
There but for the grace of God go I
This phrase sums it up as I have no other thoughts or reasons for living through what my heart and I have been through over the years. 
I have the diagnosis and the treatment has started. This process is hard as every body is different and the chemicals need adjustment. I see permanent changes in my lifestyle ahead and I accept them. Perhaps my days as a traveler are over. Surely if this had happened while driving across the desert alone the outcome wouldn't be quite so rosy. Maybe there will be more activities that I will have to recall as a memory instead of participating in them as before.

Mrs. Spadoman believes my heart was broken from my participation in the American war in Vietnam. A Spiritual break, if you will. On top of that, there’s the mechanical stuff happening now and the clogged arteries from exposure to Agent Orange. There’s the heartbreak of the surgeries themselves, where someone has my own heart in their hands as my breath is created from a machine. The pain in my heart still and forever from losing our daughter. The broken hearted feeling that comes with witnessing and taking part in a war as a young person, barely old enough to be called a man, and watching war continue at the hands of the masters.
There was a time when I would never believe I had a friend. I felt completely alone and abandoned, even by my family members, I thought. Through a healing path, I started to realize, as I learned, that I am loved. The next step was to accept it and believe it.
That’s where you come in. Strangers, for the most part, even the few that I have met in person don’t really know who I am. You say such wonderful kind things to me on my blog. You accept me and my quirkiness. You tell me you love me and you wish, for me, nothing but the best speedy recovery from my wounds.
I tell you I cry when I read your comments. I am crying now. And not only did I learn to accept and believe I am loved, I learned how to love too. How to love my family more than I thought I did. How to love you, my friends, and my enemies as well.
I’m a lucky man to have this family I have, and to have you as friends. I don’t know why I am still around, but I am. Maybe I’ll get to know the answer to all things mystical someday, but for today, I am thankful and I love you all.
The feeling I have in my broken heart is one of Peace. Amidst the broken beats knowing why I cry gives me my path. Knowing you makes it worth while as I feel that now,  it is your hands that hold my heart together.
May peace bless each and every one of you, totally, every day of your lives


Kim Mailhot said...

You are so loved, Man.
Your beautiful heart has touched mine many times, in laughter, in joy, in sadness, and most of all with a deep peace that comes from loving life and all of its beauties. Our eyes have never met, but I know you by heart. And that is a gift beyond measure.

I am sending you light and lots of love to surround you and your broken heart. Shine on, Beautiful One.

Jeannie said...

There is love and there is love. We are here in the world and sometimes the world hurts us and so, we put up defenses to block the pain but then we often block the love too - it's there but we can't see it or feel it. We are blessed in this impersonal world to have a machine that gives us a place where we can feel as safe as we like while sharing our hearts. A spiritual place - not limited by physical distance. And we are healed a little and, if we are lucky, we can show that healing with those around us physically. And one day - many years from now when we have lived our lives and passed into the next we will greet each other with a big smile and realize that we have always been known and loved.

Marit said...

I've been away for a while, and coming back reading your story brings tears to my eyes. Yes, you are loved. From my heart to your heart - peace and healing waves!

Rosie said...

I am so glad you are well enough to post Joe... See, I only just found out that you - Mr Spadoman - are called Joe!
There is much love out there for you and if it helps you to get better sooner, then that can only be a good thing.
I dedicated my post to you today - hope it makes you smile...
Take good care and let others care for you too, so your cracked heart can mend.
Peace xo
Oh and you're not the only one crying!! It's good for the eyes though... =)

foxysue said...

These bodies of ours start causing us a lot of grief just when we get old enough to appreciate, I mean really appreciate what matters in life! When everything comes sharply into focus. Yes you have been an inspiration to me too Joe and it is lovely to see your face even though you aren't feeling so good. I read recently and I think it is true that 'life breaks us but we become stronger in those broken places', you have a spiritually strong heart to carry you through.

Sending hugs to you both
Ms foxysue x

rebecca said...

i love your, looking straight into our hearts as we hold your gaze, and in between, only love.

it is amazing the power of friendships created through our willingness just to care. i love you joe, your candor, tenderness, your life for peace and family.

holding you in the light. so blessed am i to know you.

Vinay Leo R. said...

Spadoman, take care! I've come by the fewest of times here I suppose, but I love your words and they come from your beautiful heart, like Kim says! My prayers, wishes, love... Go forth and conquer what troubles you now! :)

Leo @ I Rhyme Without Reason

Cheryl said...

My heart is breaking to read what you are going thru. We just met! You can't leave now! I'm glad you are feeling up to writing a post so we know firsthand what's up.

Thank you for your service in Vietnam. I lost a few friends from high school, in more ways than one. I have a few friends now who were servicemen and women in Vietnam and the Gulf war. I appreciate them for their courage. Please do what the doc says and I'm sure you'll be around for years to come. I love you, Spadoman.

Nanka said...

I am disheartened to read what ails you Spadoman!! I wish you much peace and do take care!! Lifestyle changes do happen at every stage of life and you have endured so much!! Yes you are loved by a wide circle of friends spread all over and as far away as India!!
My sincere prayers and the best of wishes are there for you!!
Much Peace!!

Fran said...

I hope everything settles down & they get everything back in order. Amazing what they can do these days. You have embraced life & family & taking a good path.
Be strong. No regrets, think of all the joys & happy times, family & such.
Life is change.

You are never giving up travel- just might have to modify-- but it's clear that it is your bliss. Maybe you can think of this as working your way towards your next adventure.
Positive affirmations-- like you & the wife enjoying the warm desert sunset in the winter after you have recovered.
See, thinking those thoughts lightens things up doesn't it?
May this transition be gentle & may you have a full recovery. Feel better soon.

peggy gatto said...

you touched my heart,thank you.

Kathleen Barnes said...

Oh how I wish I could paste your broken heart together, give it wings and let you fly out across the desert again.I, a desert being also, know that freedom and wish you may find it again, if only in spirit.You are loved.

Mel said...

((((((((( Spadoman )))))))))))

You, sir.....are an awesome, wonderful, powerful man.

Just reading what you wrote, affirmed that one more time.
And then I read the comments from others who have crossed your path -- again it's affirmed for me.

(and no, you weren't alone in the tears)

You know I believe all things happen with reason and that I trust paths get crossed for the good of everyone. Lives get touched over and over again. Layers deep, without our knowledge or our permission lives get touched.
You......I......neither will get to know the full scope of how that works, but we can trust that it happens. We get glimpses of that and still we ask why we're so graced as to still be HERE.

See above. He ain't done with us yet, yaknow? He's got a usefulness in our lives, through our lives that we don't really 'get'. We have moments when we feel that intense love and we still have to wonder.... Silly us, eh?

There's a small child who'll be touched, who's never had the glory of touching your hand or hearing your voice or knowing any piece of 'you'. But she WILL know you--she will be touched by the spirit of love that IS you.....without ever having the pleasure of your 'company', she reaps what you believed you didn't possess to give.

((((((((((( Spadoman ))))))))))))

Nothing happened on that desert alone--and everything happened on that desert alone.
I remember a huge part of that journey was about Him....and you.

He really has taken very good care of His kiddo.
All glory to Him for that.
And all my gratitude.

(((((((((( Spadoman )))))))))))

Keep letting people love you.
Love 'em back....times 2.
Cuz ya can. Cuz ya do.

((((((((((( Spadoman ))))))))))

phil said...

Hope the only brevity is in the haiku, and that your heart continues a long mending.

You take care.

From one Renaissance Man to another.


Fran aka Redondowriter said...

You refer to your heart as broken and Mrs. Spadoman wisely looks back on that young boy who saw too much in Vietnam as being one of the causes. Agent orange, PTSD--we ask too much of all our young people in these useless political battles. I do not know you except through Rebecca and Stephanie's blogs, but I feel as though I know you and your wife through your travels--and through your incredible year-round ofrendas. I have many friends who live with both A Fib and congestive heart failure, but it takes time to get the meds adjusted properly. I so hear your gratitude; I am teary as I type and wish you a quick and good healing. Your travels are far from over, my friend.

Ramesh Sood said...

You will get well.. for you have the will and desire and you are connected with HIM... Spadoman..finally it's all about LOVE.. how much you gave..for once you give receiving happens.. that's the power of Love..and you my dear have done your part and continue to do even inspire everyone so much..just keep flowing..and you will be fine...Heart does play naughty after years of service and starts skipping some beats.. or suddenly runs faster or slows down..but all this to make us learn... to seek our attention.. and once we respond with love.. it starts moving smoothly...BEST IS YET TO BE SPADOMAN..WHATEVER.. GOD BLESS..

Spadoman said...

I want to respond to each and every one of you. I want you to be in a line so I can go nup to you and hug you and let my tears drip onto your shoulders. I want to whisper "Thank You" in your ear.
I know that letting out what I needed to say had a healing effect. My heart is clad in iron, protected from anything this world bombards it with because of all of you and my family.
Thank you so much for the beautiful thoughts and prayers and love.


Mel said...

(checking in and huggin'....)


susan said...

I wake up every morning hoping I'll hear you're feeling better. Once everything settles down you may just be able to get back out there on the road you love to ride. It could happen. You're a brave, wise, and very resourceful man. You also have a family close by who love you and all the rest of us near and far who love you and wish you well.


Lucia said...

I am so glad that I found your blog...I love how you write....I hope that you begin to feel better soon and I look forward to reading your writing.
Lucia in San Francisco

GYamato said...

I'm sure you've heard this before but,
"Spadoman, Spadoman...does whatever a spado can...!" I know, I'm stoopid... ;)
Candor, common sense, careful considerations...these go a long way on your blog and have taken me further than I might have gotten had I not had the good fortune of finding your wit and wisdom.

Oddly or maybe not so oddly, as it's a marker of our fragile bodies, I spent much of this past week at the hospital with my father who is challenged with congestive heart failure. Learned more than I thought I'd ever need to know, but now I know how much I need to know it. Made it through the hoops of flame and Dad got to go home Friday.

What is important gets clarified, distilled, reinforced at times like this. Your well-being is important to me. Your struggling heart is of concern to me and I send consolation for any sorrow your heart's current health status might cause you. I send you courage and warmth and endless days of heart-felt laughter through whatever lies ahead.

We all know that life's too short, but with all the distraction it's easy to miss that even a moment of its miracle is infinitely sweet.

Got my eye on you, Brother! :)

mig said...

Good Lord, dear 'Man, it's who you are that calls up the comments. The lovely, wise, brave man that you are shines through everything you write.
Being an oldish, English woman, I don't write of extreme emotions. But you are a sweetheart - broken or not.
But I'm hoping -part selfishly and partly not - for the mending of your heart.
Lots of love and hugs dear 'Man.

CanadianGardenJoy said...

Joe .. I had no idea until I scrolled down looking for the post of November 1st, that special day for you and yours.
I'm so sorry you are suffering like this .. we tend to see our mortality far more clearly when events of this kind happen .. the uncertainty shakes us to the core .. we all know we are going to die .. that is a fact .. but in the back of our minds we just don't think about it .. wondering what will be our last day.
My husband, as I think I already explained is a Gulf War Vet .. the first one .. he saw horrific sights that happened and continued to happen .. he was exposed to depleted uranium, oil well fire smoke and a myriad of mystery chemicals that to this day we hold our breath about his health.
You are not alone dear Joe .. you are a wonderful force in the blogging world .. so sweet, understanding, funny, smart and yes .. quirky, as we all are on here : )
Keep strong .. you are reeling with this diagnoses still fresh to you as the dramatic symptoms are .. things will calm down .. the right meds will kick in .. just hang in there dear Joe so we can enjoy your company : )

Unknown said... are loved and held in so many hearts.

All the breaking your heart has experienced is too much for any one person. I wish you well and yes, am thankful that this happened when it did and not on the road.

take good care my friend

Susie Clevenger said...

A lovely haiku...yes it is friends who hold the pieces of our hearts together...I pray healing and comfort for you.

Sarcastic Bastard said...

You have one of the best hearts I know.

I am keeping a good thought for you.



Sorrow said...

One has to wonder how a heart as big as your could fail in anyway.
One has to wonder at the grace that you were NOT on a road alone traveling south when it all came to be.
One has to have faith that your love and quirkiness need to be here longer for so many of us who garner such wisdom from your insights.
One has to know that even dented, broken and exposed to the atrocities that man can do, yours is a radiant heart.
You are loved, by friends, family, travels, strangers, and heaven itself.
be gentle with you, and know that you are held with so much love...
All of my bear healing flows your way...

Laura~Pretty Pix said...

Sending love and warm thoughts..
May your heart heal.

Snap said...

I haven't "Haiku'd" in awhile and was concerned when I read about you on Rebecca's blog. I just HAD to get over here and see what's up. I've enjoyed getting to know you ... your strength, your compassion, your love of life. I've appreciated your words in my time of grief. Please know I hold you and yours in my heart and wish all of you well. Go get 'em! :D :D :D Hugs-----

Jill Berry said...

Your broken heart offers more love and poetry than most entirely whole hearts do. I read about your broken heart, the war, your daughter, they would break my heart too. Since I have been in this circle, this haiku place of beauty, your posts have always sunk deep with me, and I thank you.
Today I will light a candle for you here in my studio, and send you all the goodness my broken heart offers.

Leslie said...

coming over here from rebecca's place, this morning, to add my prayers to the rest... may you continue to know peace, love, and healing as you travel through this new and arduous journey. the heart is an amazing organ (as yours has obviously proven over the years.) may your heart beat with the strength of God's eternal love for you, and may that love carry you through this time and beyond.

Ms. Becky said...

Spadoman, dear. A fellow Wisconsinite, a resident of my alma mater town! my own heart is heavy to learn of this news. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. sending you hope and light on the wings of my heart. peace be with you Spadoman. take good care now.

Queenie Believe said...

Thoughts and prayers ascending for healing peace to settle deeply within your soul, mind and heart. My the Lord bless and keep you and your family as you travel through this rocky patch of a life.
Have a great day.
Always, Queenie

GlorV1 said...

Joe, my thoughts and prayers are with you. God Bless You. I will pray for you tonight and keep you in my prayers. Sending light and healing prayers. ::hugs::

Miss Robyn said...

following a link from a friend - I find myself in the presence of a gorgeous soul. you are in my prayers - and my thoughts as you travel this road - to healing. bless you x

somepinkflowers said...

thinking of U
again this day,
your PEACE*filled heart.

Noelle Clearwater said...

Dearest Joe,
I am so sorry that I have been away from your blog but as you know I know what is going on with you through facebook and the Recuerda mi Corazon grapevine. I love you. You have been an inspiration in my life in so many ways my dear friend. I would venture to say that you have occupied a very sacred position that was empty for most of my life. We are lost without you Joe. You must come back to us. We are all praying for you. I know that you have many heart wounds. I pray that you are able to release them and that this crucible that you must pass through allows you a fresh baptism of light to look at the world in a new way, as if for the first time. Know that we are here for you and that you are loved.
Blessings and Peace,

miss pie said...

...that is a beautiful post spadoman.... shining bright and beautiful.... a humble heart does a man good.... what a wonderful account of who you are and who you were and what a who you have become.. it is a blessing to reach out and touch another in comfort and support... tho we see we are blind, thou we be blind we can see... i pray that when you grow weary and tire the lord of all comfort and healing come upon you.. that you may surrender to sleep and rest... knowing with full assurance you live regardless of where how or why... xoxoxoxoxo.. miss pie

Anonymous said...

joe, i came here from rebecca's blog. i do not know you, but i do know the heartbreak from a broken heart when i lost my father to one when i was young. with that loss, i have found, over the years a strength, i never dreamed i could possess. i wish that strength to you and your healing heart. may the positive energy of those here and around you lift and carry you as you heal. warmly, s

Noelle Clearwater said...

For some crazy reason I thought I was already following your blog because I see it via RSS but I just put my picture on your board there so that you know I am always there Joe :)
Peace, Love and Hugs,

Anonymous said...

you are loved more than you can know

penny said...

i'm praying...