November 4, 2011
Haiku My Heart is the creation of Rebecca who pens the recuerda mi corazon blog. To see more haiku and to find out how to participate, go to recuerda mi corazon.
Heart beat is broken
Loving being loved
An update is in order. You, my friends, deserve it. I don’t know if you realize how much your words, thoughts and prayers mean to me and my family. Each and every one of you is so greatly appreciated. Thank you all so much.
I experienced something called Atrial Fibrillation. My heart rate went way up and now beats out of sync. Along with this diagnosis came the evidence of Congestive Heart Failure. A friend of mine thought they should call it something a little less dramatic, like it’s a heart pump issue. Like she says, “Who wants to hear the words ‘heart’ and ‘failure’ in the same sentence?”
The heart failure has my heart pumping at 30 percent. The fibrillation has my heart racing and beating irregularly, skipping some beats. All of these issues on the back of pneumonia and this lingering bronchitis and its ugly raspy dry annoying cough.
Aside from the fear I had when I felt the sensations in my chest, the drugs leave me dizzy, disorientated, weak and tired. Yet I can’t sleep from the shortness of breath that wakes me if I doze off while watching TV or manifests itself if I lay down.
There but for the grace of God go I
This phrase sums it up as I have no other thoughts or reasons for living through what my heart and I have been through over the years.
I have the diagnosis and the treatment has started. This process is hard as every body is different and the chemicals need adjustment. I see permanent changes in my lifestyle ahead and I accept them. Perhaps my days as a traveler are over. Surely if this had happened while driving across the desert alone the outcome wouldn't be quite so rosy. Maybe there will be more activities that I will have to recall as a memory instead of participating in them as before.
Mrs. Spadoman believes my heart was broken from my participation in the American war in Vietnam. A Spiritual break, if you will. On top of that, there’s the mechanical stuff happening now and the clogged arteries from exposure to Agent Orange. There’s the heartbreak of the surgeries themselves, where someone has my own heart in their hands as my breath is created from a machine. The pain in my heart still and forever from losing our daughter. The broken hearted feeling that comes with witnessing and taking part in a war as a young person, barely old enough to be called a man, and watching war continue at the hands of the masters.
There was a time when I would never believe I had a friend. I felt completely alone and abandoned, even by my family members, I thought. Through a healing path, I started to realize, as I learned, that I am loved. The next step was to accept it and believe it.
That’s where you come in. Strangers, for the most part, even the few that I have met in person don’t really know who I am. You say such wonderful kind things to me on my blog. You accept me and my quirkiness. You tell me you love me and you wish, for me, nothing but the best speedy recovery from my wounds.
I tell you I cry when I read your comments. I am crying now. And not only did I learn to accept and believe I am loved, I learned how to love too. How to love my family more than I thought I did. How to love you, my friends, and my enemies as well.
I’m a lucky man to have this family I have, and to have you as friends. I don’t know why I am still around, but I am. Maybe I’ll get to know the answer to all things mystical someday, but for today, I am thankful and I love you all.
The feeling I have in my broken heart is one of Peace. Amidst the broken beats knowing why I cry gives me my path. Knowing you makes it worth while as I feel that now, it is your hands that hold my heart together.
May peace bless each and every one of you, totally, every day of your lives