Haiku My Heart Fridays, July 23, 2010

Our Day of the Dead altar, 2001

Haiku My Heart Fridays was started by Rebecca of recuerda mi corazon blog. To find out all about the guidelines, check THIS out. There is a strong, very strong, connection between Rebecca, recuerdo mi corazon, The Days of the Dead and my life. More can be revealed about that subject sometime in the future. For now, well, let's just say you'll find the photograph I use as my header today as apropos.



I'm no poet. In fact, writing Haiku or attempting any kind of poetic writing is hard for me. I like Rebecca a lot and her idea of Haiku on Fridays seemed a place for me to try, especially because it is from the heart. As many of you already know, my heart is broken. It is a patched up muscle. It still pumps my blood, and usually at a regular rhythm, but I never know how long the repairs are going to hold up. It's a crap shoot at best, literally, day to day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no pain, and I can function to a degree, but there is damage from life's events, and I just can't be sure of the stability. It's times like these that tax the system. You see, my daughter Maggie would be 37 on Monday. July 26th is her birthday. That empty seat at every family members birthday and at all the holiday celebrations is a burden, but when her own birthday comes around, well, it's still very hard on all of us, and always will be.

Please, this isn't about needing or wanting pity. Please understand, I don't want sorrow for my broken heart or the past events that brought it here. In fact, I wouldn't have it any other way. You see what happened is in the past and I can't do anything about it. I don't know the future, so it's silly to guess at that. All I have is right now, today, one day at a time, and the events of the past are a part of who and what I am, what my family is, and when you think of it, who we all are. These events make up how we feel, act, think and live. I don't want to forget. This is a part of me, a huge part.

I found these old pictures just recently. Jim Cooper is the very handsome young man in front of his old jalopy. He was the best friend, a friend since early child hood, of Bob, Maggie's boyfriend. The night of June 8, 1991, they were all at the park. Maggie, her friend Adrienne, Bob and Jim and some others. Adrienne and Maggie had to work early the next morning. Bob wanted to stay at the park and hang out with the others. Jim wanted to leave, so he drove the girls home.

On the way, whatever happened took Maggie's life, and Jim's along with her, and left Adrienne alive, but numb from the experience of losing her friends right before her eyes on that warm late Spring night. A little unusual was the fact that Maggie's sisters, her mother and myself had taken a new job and we moved away right after her high school graduation. It was like a kid going off to college, in reverse. We went away and Maggie stayed in St. Paul, ready to enter the University of Minnesota in the Fall.

We are so blessed to have Adrienne in our lives. We hear from her and see her now and again. On Facebook, she "pokes" me everyday, never misses telling me she loves us, everyday. Having her is probably one of the reasons I don't want to forget the trauma of losing a child. She is here, the memories are here too. And every moment isn't this sad crying affair. Like at the Day of the Dead celebration on November First every year. They are all here with us, eating and talking, laughing and crying, all together.

The girl in the green plaid vest is Maggie, and that picture of the two kids in tie dye is Adrienne and Bobby. The tragedy didn't end that night. Bobby lost his life five years later in a small plane crash. Another story for another time. But one Haiku, 17 syllables, would hardly express my life, their lives, the lives of our families from before and since those fateful events, but I'll try, as the meme says, it's "From The Heart". I think that's why I do this. My heart can take it. I can take what I have and use it, and believe it or not, it is healing. It strengthens the sutures on the arteries, the clips on my breastbone and the scar that runs down the front of my chest.


A young Jim Cooper


Bobby and Adrienne


Delicate youthful

Their souls passed away from us

Way beyond the stars






Another shot of Jim with his truck


Margaret (Maggie) Ellen Spado


Maggie please come back

I knew you would if you could

Talk to me gently



And a poem:

My heart is broken
It broke with the weight I’ve carried
Now for decades
In a seemingly lighthearted walk

My heart is broken
The war had something to do with it
Taught how to kill
But not how to heal

My heart is broken
Torn from my chest
Held in their hands
Patched together with thread

My heart is broken
She’s gone forever
Please come back
I knew you would if you could

My heart is broken
Watching the Elders leave
Being selfish, wanting them to last forever
Not being able to help

Peace